Matt D'Elia is father to two creative and talented boys in northern NJ. What holiday memories do you pass around the table with the gravy and the cranberry sauce?
Dysfunction-palooza (or Ode to Holidays Past and Things My Relatives Said)
By Matt D'Elia
Why don't you cut my heart out with that knife?
Why don't I stick this fork in your eye?
Why'd ya get such a big bottle for?
It's the only anisette left at the store!
Those mushrooms made my daughter sick
No ... she's in labor ... to the hospital—quick!
Where's your uncle, the meal's about to start?
Oh, he ran an errand ... he's at Wal-Mart
I'll slice the meat with the electric knife ...
That's not the roast, but the hand of your wife!
Don't let your daughter touch the TV!
Control your child dammit ... do something please!
Let's open the gifts ... hey where's your dad?
Hw went back home; now mom's really mad!
If you're bad Mom will lock you in the car
There you'll stay, celebrate from afar
Dad put up the tree ... but don't let him do the lights ...
Let the kids decorate?? Nah, they won't get it right
Sorry I'm late! I brought dip for you
It's far too late, someone give her a clue
Saw your old boyfriend, hey, no jokin'
That son-of-a-bitch, is he still in Hoboken?
We'll take this fight to your Aunt and Uncle's
Grandma will watch you ... now don't give her trouble
Don't use that hand towel—it's full of puke!
Take care of your baby ... and hey, he's not so cute
Hey! A new Walkman! Give me a hug
Wear that in the city and you'll get mugged
Santa on a fire truck ... it's only quarter to three,
Outta the way, Nana, we gotta go see!
I lost my new lighter (we looked near and far)
Hey, silly me! I stuck it in my bra
That's the wrong pan ... oh excuse me for living
to cook the salmon ... you know ... for Thanksgiving
I really enjoyed hearing him read this one night at Starbucks Open Mic!
Great poem!
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